He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
