I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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