Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
