I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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