Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
