I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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