My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
