i need an iv and a liver transplant
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
