Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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