i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
