you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
