Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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