I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
