my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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