Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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