So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
