I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
