you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
