He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
