No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
