I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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