I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
