She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
