I think i sorta joined a cult last night
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
