Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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