He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
