At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Drunk is not a location!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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