She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
