Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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