I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
