K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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