yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My vagina is officially offended.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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