My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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