You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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