singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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