omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
