So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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