I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
