I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
