I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
