god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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