Swine flu. Run for my life!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Oh god it's open bar.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
