everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
