can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
