I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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