I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
