I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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