Sorry, I don't speak sober.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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