I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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