I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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